Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus
by Deviate's Fish
Summary: She's Always Angry, All the Time. Even before she was angry. GRAAAHH!
1. Chapter 1

I was going to write Homura the Angry Magical Girl, but thought against it.

**Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus**

_Raping Canon with a Cannon_

Some things start small. Some things start with a tiny crack.

…Crack…

Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack… and then shatter. There is only so much some people can take. Even the geniuses of a generation can only take so much.

He always takes the best and brightest from the batch. People would hurl their children at him for the chance of learning under him as an apprentice, even if it means giving up their sanity. So is it really his fault that he enjoyed breaking these apprentices so much?

…Well, maybe.

But the problem that faced him now is unlike most of the eventual break-downs that his other apprentices suffered. This one does not curl up in her room and cry like his usual apprentices. Instead, she takes a more proactive approach to things. And she has become quite lethal in the last few years.

That is perhaps why that shiver running down his spine has not stopped yet.

That is also perhaps why he is hiding under his nigh-indestructible mahogany desk, trying to weather the unending shots of _Gandr_ coming father and many times more powerful than the offensive of a full regiment of machine gunners.

Then the shooting stops for a brief moment. He hopes she has run out of steam, or at least broken down into sobs. But he is met with yet another surprise.

At first, there is a small crack in the wood. Then there are many cracks, making a noise that reminds him of a redwood tumbling down. All of this happens in less than half of one second.

…Then a fist shoots through his desk and grabs hold of his collar.

Oh no. He panics.

Yet he does not provide nearly enough resistance against the tug of the hand which causes the back of his head to crunch against the bottom of his desk. Thankfully for himself, his head is harder than the desk. But this only means she keeps tugging. Again, again, and again, until finally, his head breaks through the desk, leaving splinters of mahogany flying everywhere.

"Y-yo… Miss T-Tohsaka…" He greets, trying to act as calm as possible. This does not seem to succeed.

She raises her fist at him threateningly and says something. He cannot really understand her, though he assumes she means to say something along the lines of 'what happens next will hurt your face a lot more than it will hurt my fist'. Instead, all that comes out of her lips is an unearthly growl, "GRAAAAAAAAAAAH."

What comes next would be the most brutal beating that Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg has ever had, even surpassing that which he endured a long time ago from his abusive father.

It does not stop, and for the first time in a long time, he curses how much greater his pain tolerance has become since he became a Dead Apostle Ancestor. He already cannot see through his left eye, and most of his body is in so much pain that he seems to have come full circle and become numb to everything. Yet, the image of Tohsaka Rin standing over him with his blood splattered all over her face only causes him to shriek like a little girl... well, more like a little girl than he already felt like at the moment anyway.

Desperately, he looks for any MacGuffin or Magical Doodad that could conveniently make his prized apprentice stop. Or at least stall her long enough for him to find a way to run away...

He is not sure what happened next, but a bright, shining light happened and she disappeared. He let out a breath that he knew he was holding in, and sighed in relief. "Hey Ruby," he muttered through very puffy and split lips, "You there?"

"Yes, Master?"

"Go find my wayward student, will you? And… and…" He felt tears threaten to leak out of his eyes. "P-please keep her away."

"A-ah… I will try."

After the little trinket flies away to god knows where, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg curls up in a ball and starts sobbing like one of his apprentices.

* * *

**Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus**

* * *

Kotomine Kirei was not sure what exactly happened. At one moment, he was standing before the young daughter of his teacher. Little Tohsaka Rin had been sobbing her heart out, making his heart tingle in delight. Yet the next moment, she stopped sniffling and looked up at him in a strange, blank expression. It was almost like looking at himself in the mirror. But then a literal spark appeared in the young girl's eyes and her face began to redden.

Was she embarrassed of her behavior, he wondered. His poker face was well practiced and it seems like the girl was trembling in tears again. Kirei hopped that this was another form of her suffering. This has become quite the delightful ending of a story, for him at least.

Kotomine Kirei could be called a master of many fields of combat. He could heal, he could fight in melee, and he could counter magi. He is both well rounded and well practiced. Really, there were few conventional magi who would not be intimidated by Kotomine Kirei.

But for all his skill, Kotomine Kirei could not and did not see what happened next.

Young Tohsaka Rin became a blur and then Kotomine Kirei's world became _pain_. His mind tried to process what happened as he doubled over. Or at least, he tried to, but the continued punches from young Tohsaka Rin, who seemed suddenly to be growling at him, kept him from actually falling down.

A moment later, he realized that she had kneed him in the crotch. Just like how Tohsaka Tokiomi did not see his dagger in the back, Kotomine Kirei did not see this kick to the nuts coming. That alone should not have been painful, but it was not like the kneeing of a little girl. Instead, it was a reinforced kneeing that felt more like someone had taken to entire force behind a bullet train running at full speed, stuffed it inside the little girl's knee, and shot that force out at his crotch. Then she also shot a _Gandr_ out of her knee.

Let it not be said that Kotomine Kirei was not a master of healing.

But for all that good it did him; Tohsaka Rin punched him faster and harder than he could heal. He could not even keep up. It was only what seemed like every bone in his body below his neck had been pulverized into dust that she stopped and picked him up by his hair with one hand.

At first, she growled at him again. But then she calmed herself down enough to talk. At least, it sounded like she was talking, but Kotomine Kirei, in his Nirvana of Pain, thought that perhaps he could grind diamonds down to dust from the roughness and rage in the girl's voice, "You like to watch me suffer, Kotomine."

It was not a question.

He didn't even bother answering (not that he could anyways), because she gripped his hair tighter, causing some to be torn out of his scalp, with roots and everything.

"I blame you for a lot of things, Kotomine. But there is still a lot I don't know," She said slowly as her voice became less rough. She seemed to be trying to sound sweet. And gentle. But the smile on her face seemed to cause Kotomine Kirei's heart to skip a beat.

Was this excitement he felt?

What does this mean, Tohsaka Rin? He wanted to ask. He would have, if he didn't seem to be able to breathe anymore, too.

"But I'll find out," Rin continued, smiling sweetly, with rage visible, just simmering under her façade. She added, "And you're g-g-grAHHHHHHHHHH!" Of course, she meant to say 'and you're going to tell me everything'.

He'll realize that eventually.

* * *

**Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus**

* * *

"Oi, Kotomine," he called out.

Strange. No one responded. He called louder, "Kotomine! I'm home!"

Still no reply?

"Kotomine, greet your king as is fit!" He commanded.

It was dark inside the church, and even with his superhuman senses he did not feel anyone there. This was really strange because Kotomine had told him he would be here after the burial of his Master, Tohsaka Tokiomi.

There! He heard something.

It sounded like broken wood being smashed into smaller pieces. He turned to the Alter and saw a little girl walk towards him slowly and methodically.

For some reason, he felt a shiver run down his spine, but that would be crazy. Why would the King of Heroes be surprised or frightened by a little girl?

…Maybe it was because her fists were drenched in blood. The thick, somewhat dried liquid on her fingers dripped down on the church floor slowly and methodically. Her eyes stared up at him with a strange light.

It reminded him of what he thought Berserker Class Servants should be like.

She was like a rabid dog.

But she was a rabid dog in the building he claimed to be worthy of being his temporary abode. And she was making a mess of the floors.

"Kotomine isn't here anymore," the girl growled. She really is a dog!

He smirked to himself. Like a King who tended to his own estate at the times necessary, he glared down at the mongrel who dared draw even closer to his person. And she dared address him like a commoner? In his regal and majestic, yet awesomely smooth tone, he declared, "What is this dirty bug trying to approach my presence?"

She smiled up at him blankly. There were bags under her eyes as if she had not slept for days, and the corners of her lips seemed to twitch uncontrollably, "Kotomine won't be coming anymore. Who were you again…?"

"Hmph!" Gilgamesh smoothed his hair back like a king and replied as one worthy of such a title, "Why should I bother with a maggot? The insect before me is so beneath me that it cannot possibly comprehend my full majesty, or your mind would surely break! But what is this you say about Kotomine?"

"Oh?" Her lips thinned but her smile widened. Her head tilted to one side as her slow walk came to a stop, less than a meter away from the King of Heroes. She looked up at him in a detestable manner: as if she was greater than him! "Kotomine can't come home. Kotomine can't call home. Kotomine…" She repeated again with the same eerie ghastly smile, "…is all broken up."

"What?!" He roared, realizing that this girl may not be a girl at all, despite her appearances and his own instincts telling him thus.

"Oh," She tilted her head back and flicked a stray lock of black hair out of the path of her vision, "I'm not sorry to tell you that I broke him. He told me some things that he shouldn't have, even if he had no choice. Oh, poor poppa…"

Gilgamesh paused. He noted the girl's appearance now that she had stepped into the light. He stroked his chin and nodded, "You are the spawn of Tohsaka Tokiomi."

"And you are my father's Servant," She replied. It was not a question. "And yet, here you are, alive while poppa is dead."

"Hmph! A King is—"

He was cut off by her. "You failed your duty," she continued on as if he had not said anything.

"Hmph! How dare you question a King's—"

He was cut off again by the girl as her eyes turned up towards his defiantly. At this distance, he could see the specks of blood all over her face. He realized it was not just anyone's blood, but most likely Kotomine Kirei's blood. How had she done this? Why did Tokiomi hide this little tart—any thoughts he might have had about her being 'just' another mongrel or commoner was quickly removed from his mind when he looked into her eyes.

So much rage. So much suffering. So much insanity. So much hatred… So this is Tokiomi's spawn! How delight—

His train of thought was cut off as he fell down to the floor, head first. His noble blood splattered all over the girl's feet as he coughed it out uncontrollably.

"Get up, King of Heroes," she roared. Or at least, that is what she wanted to roar, but instead what came out was something not unlike what Berserker might have said. She might have looked cute, standing there with her feet apart and her tiny fists clenched glaring down at him angrily… if he had been downed by a single, anger-filled punch. Again she roared, "GRAAAAHH!"

Of course, she meant to say 'get up, King of Heroes, and show me how you protected my father'. However, by this point, the rage had so completely consumed the girl, that she had no words left to say.

"You dare touch me? Mongrel! Know your place!" Gilgamesh back up, as chains shot out from all angles, holding the girl still. How fiery she is! She is even more emotional than his prized Saber, and how very like the actions of his very best friend. He almost felt pity that he would have to wipe her out, but no commoner, shall be allowed to casually attack the King without repercussions!

"GRAAAAAAH!" Rin roared. With each passing second, her rage grew. And with each passing moment, the chains shook, as if on the verge of being shattered.

Gilgamesh looked down at her, "I may have kept you, Tokiomi's spawn, as a pet. But not before I punish you for your transgressions."

Weapons appeared.

Swords, knives, spears, lances…

The first one he shot at her was a prized blade of his treasury. It was one of which he had impaled his Saber with. He smirked confidently, knowing that this little poppet won't be disappearing like his Saber did at the end of the War. No, he will have fun breaking her.

Then one of her arms ripped the chains off and caught the blade. He saw that it was no easy feat. The skin and clothing of that arm had been almost completely torn off by this stunt. Yet the girl did not flinch. Instead, she punched herself.

No, that was not right. She punched the chains.

…and his chains, which could hold any divine being, broke like Pocky sticks.

He was so shocked by this that he did not react until she used his chains against him. With a single swing, she used one of the broken chains to grab his ankles and pulled him to the ground.

Then she mounted him as a wrestler would and started punching him.

Punch, punch, punch…

"Don't talk back to me again, you stupid Servant!" Was his mind delirious by this point, or did he hear that through her growls?

…punch, punch, punch…

"You're just like Archer, stupid, cocky, and stupid!" No, he was pretty sure he was hearing this. But his ears did not deceive him! He clearly only heard growls!

…punch.

"You're mine, now! Obey me, you stupid pissant!" At some point, the pain had turned to a strange tingling sensation that Gilgamesh last associated with his Saber. "And don't you dare die! I'm not going to let you die for a long time for what you have done!"

Gilgamesh felt his cheeks grow warm and for some reason, he wanted to twiddle his fingers together like a schoolgirl. But all he could do, by this point, was nod. Anything else was just too much pain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus**

_So Angry, I've Come Full Circle_

Emiya Shirou thought it was just a normal day. Of course, Emiya Shirou didn't exactly know what a normal day entailed in the first place, so he didn't have a lot of room to judge what a normal day is.

First, it was his father.

Emiya Kiritsugu, his father, rescued and adopted him. So far, everything seemed normal. But then every day, Kiritsugu took Shirou and talked to him about life. So far, everything still seemed normal, right? But even Shirou felt a little annoyed after the first month.

Every single day, Kiritsugu would tell him about how he wanted to save everyone and be a hero.

Slowly but surely, by the end of the second month, Shirou didn't feel like complaining anymore. It was just a quirk of his father, right? It wasn't as if his father was systematically brain washing him to his father's ideals, obviously. Brain washing was such a harsh term to use, after all.

Kiritsugu liked to call it 'educating'.

But that was beside the point. The point was that Shirou did not have a firm grasp on what is normal anymore.

Take earlier this morning for example. There was a tiger woman waving around a deadly shinai, running up, down and all around the Emiya household, and Shirou didn't even bat an eye.

So he went out buying food for dinner, since it was normal for a child his age to cook for his father, right? But even Emiya Shirou has some survival instincts buried deep within his skull.

These instincts came to life at a moment like now.

Inhale…

Exhale…

Inhale…

Exhale…

Inhale…

Shirou noticed a girl following him earlier.

She wasn't being discrete about it, but it took him a while. She had been knocking down everything in her way, so it wasn't too hard to notice when she knocked over a shelf of eggs. The store owner certainly tried to make everyone notice.

But since Shirou noticed her, he started getting shivers running down his spine.

Maybe it was because her blood covered hands. Or maybe it was because her left sleeve was torn off completely and there was blood caked all over her left arm. Or maybe it was because she was breathing so loudly that he could hear her from five meters away. Or maybe it was because she was holding a chain that was wrapped around a blond man who kept making little doggie barks. Or maybe it was because the girl had been staring at him for the last fifteen minutes and had not blinked once.

Or maybe it was because she was only a centimeter behind him, leaning against his neck and breathing down his shirt. Shirou shivered. It couldn't be because the chain holding the blond man was extended to also wrap around the neck of creepy looking catholic priest who kept shivering and licking his lips, now could it? Shirou didn't know why, but his little boy instincts told him to try his best to not look that man's direction.

And then Shirou ran.

He didn't know why he ran, but he couldn't help himself. At this point, his mind had come up with only two routes to go. One was to run as far as his little legs could take him. The other was to pee his pants and faint on the spot.

…So really, he wasn't so broken that he didn't have any survival instincts left, after all.

He ran as fast as he could and tried to not look back.

He ran for twenty straight minutes, sprinting all the way. Only once did he look back. It was enough to keep him motivated to keep running. He had seen the girl riding a makeshift chariot made of a shopping cart chained to the two men.

Little Emiya Shirou shivered again, feeling like his heart was about to burst. Was it the fear or the fear? He didn't know, but he was afraid.

So when he saw the last stretch home, he dashed and slammed the gates of his home shut, never mind that he had dropped all of his groceries somewhere along the way. Dad could use a diet. Coughing up black mud must mean that he was eating too much, right?

There was a soft thud that denoted the cart had crashed into the gate. Or rather, the two men pulling the cart had crashed into the large wooden doors, and the cart crashed into them.

Shirou let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He also realized he had been screaming like a little baby the whole way. Maybe that was why he was so out of breath.

Then, through the wood, he heard a growl.

It was the growl of a little girl, which seemed surprisingly intimidating.

Then a man replied in a haughty tone, "What? I'm not your personal golf caddy, I am the King of Her—ah!"

There was softer growl.

"…Yes, Mistress," the haughty man replied.

Then there was a firm growl.

"The one-wood? A driver wouldn't work so well, why don't you try the seven-iron?" Another man asked in a deep, baritone voice.

The girl growled again, something like an affirmative.

"Ah, ha! Your eyes shall feast upon the glorious treasures of the King…" The haughty man claimed loudly, before adding in a soft whisper, "…Mistress."

Then Shirou heard the girl make a sound like she was exerting herself to lift something heavy. He thought maybe it was a good idea to back away from the doors.

…it turned out to be one of the few good ideas Emiya Shirou had in his life.

A huge explosion of wood later, the doors to the Emiya household were gone. They were _sent flying_ across Fuyuki City by a girl wielding an ogre club taller than her body.

She stepped into the compound as if nothing had happened and growled something. Shirou thought she had asked for his dad. Or maybe he just wanted to hide behind Kiritsugu. Whatever the case, he ran to fetch his dad.

Just a normal day, yeah right.

* * *

**Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus**

* * *

"Dad! Dad!" Shirou ran through the home, stomping and making as much noise as he could. This surprised Kiritsugu slightly because the boy had been rather reluctant to call Kiritsugu by that title for his entire stay in the Emiya household. Finally, the boy found his father in one of the sitting rooms where Kiritsugu was reading the newspaper lazily.

That was what Kiritsugu appeared to be doing to Shirou. What he was actually doing was searching for information on his little Ilyasviel. He had hidden this well away from Shirou so that the little boy would never find out about this…

…Kiritsugu hid his research under the table he was sitting at. "Oh? Have you finished shopping for groceries already, Shirou-kun?"

Shirou ignored the ruffling of papers under the table and tugged on his father's sleeve urgently and ignored his father's lighthearted question. Instead, he whimpered, "Dad, you have guests! Go, please!"

Kiritsugu sighed.

Even Ilyasviel didn't hide behind his legs like a scared little puppy when meeting new people. He made a mental note to talk to Shirou about this later, since that was not how a Hero of Justice would act at all.

"Alright, alright," He laughed lightly. The boy was very eager for him to meet the guest, that's for sure. "I'm coming, you don't need to pull on my sleeve."

"Hyuu…" Shirou whimpered and immediately ran around Kiritsugu and hid behind the older man.

What Kiritsugu saw at his door immediately set all the alarm bells in his mind off. There they were: Kotomine Kirei and Servant Archer standing at his door… wearing studded collars and standing behind a little girl? That can't be right…

One of her arms looks like it had bled out completely and somehow got healed. The rest of her body was covered in blood too. And from the bruises on Servant Archer and Kotomine Kirei's faces, Kiritsugu wondered if the blood on the girl were theirs. He knew her from somewhere… from the Tohsaka file. It was hard for him to tell, with her face twisted by an unmatchable rage, but he deduced that she was Tohsaka Tokiomi's daughter! But…

Kiritsugu frowned, "Wha…?"

That was all Kiritsugu was able to get out before he saw stars and every part of his body below his waist screamed up to his brain in pain.

"I WILL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE," The little girl whispered silently down at Kiritsugu as he fell to his knees. She pulled his head up by his hair and stared right into his eyes, "YOU WILL TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW, EMIYA KIRITSUGU."

There was no 'or else' spoken or unspoken. It just wasn't necessary in this juncture.

"Gurgkle," Kiritsugu replied.

"NOW, YOU WILL TELL ME YOU FELT IT WAS SUCH A GREAT IDEA TO DESTROY THE GRAIL," Rin began to ask.

"N-no choice…" Kiritsugu gurgled out.

"…WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD KILL YOU FOR DOING THIS STILL HELD ON TO YOUR DAUGHTER," Rin added rather menacingly while shaking his head. Crack. "OOPS."

"It is of little consequence, Mistress Rin," Kotomine intervened suavely, "I can bring him back. This will just take a moment." He grabbed Kiritsugu's neck and muttered, "This will hurt you a lot more it will hurt me, Emiya Kiritsugu."

"Urk…" Kiritsugu was brought back to consciousness. The first thing he muttered was, "…Huh, why is my neck so stiff…?" Then he remembered the little girl who was still holding him by his hair. "…Oh."

"DON'T SQUIRM," Rin frowned. Then she broke Kiritsugu's arms in a pair of sickening cracks. "IF YOU KEEP SQUIRMING, I WILL HAVE TO RESTRAIN YOU. SHIROU, JUST GO SIT DOWN AND—"

Shirou puked on the floor.

"UGH. SEE THAT? THIS IS WHAT I HAD TO PUT UP WITH, EXCEPT I DIDN'T GET ANY DICKINGS BECAUSE SAKURA HAD CLAIMED HIM FIRST," Rin rolled her eyes.

"I'll—urk" Gilgamesh started to say, but was silenced by a punch from Rin.

"NO."

"What… what do you want?" Kiritsugu asked desperately. He couldn't make a tactical retreat no matter what at this point, especially with Shirou being a potential hostage or vulnerable to collateral damage. The King of Heroes was not known for his great aim from what he remembered from the War.

"Hmph!" Gilgamesh scowled. He wanted his Mistress's attention. Why did this mongrel get all of his Mistress's attention and rough, naughty ministrations? This is so unfair!

"HMPH!" Rin echoed. "WHAT I WANT IS TO BEAT YOUR HEAD UNTIL THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY ATOMS LEFT FOR ME TO SMASH. BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT IS TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH THE GREATER GRAIL WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS DEAD. HONESTLY, YOU'RE SO STUPID, JUST LIKE YOUR SON. AND YOU'RE ALSO A TERRIBLE FATHER."

Rin realized she was ranting, so she concluded with, "BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW YOU WERE STUPID. LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END OF THE FOURTH WAR. I DON'T TRUST YOU WITH RAISING SHIROU…" She glared before turning to Shirou, who instantly peed his pants. "UGH."

"Rejoice, Emiya Shirou," Kotomine Kirei swooped in, "You will not be raised in the household of the man who caused you to lose your memories and your family." He turned to Kiritsugu just to see what kind of expressions and emotions might filter through. Kirei was not disappointed. "Instead, you will be raised by me. You will make a fine… altar boy," Kirei smiled.

Shirou shivered.

"SERVANT," Rin kicked Gilgamesh until he whimpered at her feet, "GIVE THE BOY A NEW PAIR OF PANTS."

And that was how Shirou ended up being raised by Kotomine Kirei, Tohsaka Rin's slave, and with a pair of golden, assless chaps. He would endure the torment of Kirei and his daughter, Rin, and even Gilgamesh… but that is another story for another time.

"TAKE HIM HOME, KIREI," Rin grounded out. Then she kicked Kirei so hard, he flew back to the church with Shirou in his arms. "NOW COME, SERVANT DOG," Rin growled as she jumped on Gilgamesh's shoulders, "I HAVE TO PAY MY SISTER A VISIT."


	3. Chapter 3

**Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus**

_You're All Prudes!_

Matou Zouken. That was what he was calling himself these days. He was hard at work, just about to connect his heart with that of Matou Sakura, so that they would be connected forever. That way, their bond would never break and—

_Ding Dong!_

Zouken blinked. That's strange. He didn't order any take-out today…

"I'll get it," Sakura muttered in a flat tone and walked to the door since Zouken had been standing there, looking rather confused, for a while. She opened the door, only to see her former sister, who looked rather upset.

Zouken followed the girl up from the basement, but decided to hide his delicate skin in the shadows for now. Though this does seem impolite, tt doesn't seem like their guest was here for him anyway.

Well, Zouken supposed that 'upset' would be rather understating the matter now that he squinted and had a better look at the girl. She looked positively enraged. But whatever for?

"SAKURA," the Tohsaka girl yelled loudly enough to hurt Zouken's ears even though he was still hiding his delicate skin from the sunlight in the shadows outside of the girl's line of sight, "I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THIS PLACE!"

T-take her away?!

But… but… Zouken wanted to protest! He hadn't inserted the Soul Worm yet! If Sakura left now, then when will she be back? Will she ever be back?

If she was taken away, then… then Zouken's last chance…

Something within Zouken ignited that moment, like a flame that has not burned within him for decades. The powerful, youthful flames of his soul burned brightly in protest! He will not let his beloved nakama be taken away!

Gathering his outrage at this, Zouken ignored his fears and stepped into the light, "No! You can't take her away, believe it!"

"Grandfather…" Sakura mumbled softly.

"It's alright, Sakura," Zouken muttered to her in return. "We are connected, no matter where you are, I will come to you, dattebayo."

Sakura turned away from him shyly, "…b-baka."

"WHAT." The girl at the door did not look amused. "GILGAMESH, GET HIM."

Matou Zouken/Approximately 500 years old

Hair color/bald

Eye color/white

Occupation/PTA chairman

Zouken immediately dodged the first missile—a thick looking halberd that wiped out the entrance hallway of his home. He shot forward and jabbed the gold-clad buffoon who followed the Tohsaka heiress into his home.

"Realize the mistake of messing with my family," He yelled as he sent the man flying with an upper cut. "Goldielocks!"

Matou Zouken. That was what he called himself these days… for his mighty Zou-ken martial arts! He shot forward, dodged the innumerable chains that shot from all directs with a grace unmatched by any distinguished gentleman.

With minimal effort, he matched the blond man blow for blow and kept him on the defensive. Who is he…?

Matou Zouken/Approximately 500 years old

Hair color/bald

Eye color/white

Occupation/PTA chairman: protector of Matou Sakura

"…WHAT." Rin stared.

No one moved for a moment, but then Rin grabbed Sakura and pulled her away quickly. "ENOUGH," she yelled, "DIE."

A beam of pink light engulfed the Matou house, instantly swallowing up Zouken as well as Matou Shinji and his father. What was left, after several minutes of glowing, multicolored explosions, was a ruin that used to be a mansion.

Tohsaka Rin harrumphed and threw her former sister on her package mule and turned away. The blond package mule followed her like a good little puppy.

Deep under the ground, within the sewers, Zouken limped away.

The white, pitless holes in his eyes that he called his pupils burned with a determined light. "I swear," he promised, "I will train as I hard as I can do defeat you, Tohsaka Rin, and reunite with my Sakura! I may be only a pitiful worm. But even a worm can defeat a giant with pure... hard... work."

* * *

**Tohsaka Rin the Angry Magus**

* * *

"I… I think I have a headache," Rin mumbled quietly to herself. "It's so bad I think I'm having three headaches at the same time."

"Mistress, perhaps you should relieve your stress via violence," Gilgamesh suggested shyly while poking the tips of his forefingers together. His chatter did not cause his steps to falter as he held a Tohsaka girl on each shoulder. He added as he blushed and looked sideways up at Rin, "I hear that helps."

Rin didn't feel up for even slapping the back of the idiot's head. She wanted to calm herself down and think about how exactly she landed in this strange, surreal situation. But she didn't have a chance for that because Sakura seemed to have perked.

"…Grandfather… grandfather is dead," Sakura mumbled.

Rin held back a smirk and replied in a gentle tone, "That's right, Sakura. You can come home now and live with me and mom."

Sakura looked up from her lap and stared into Rin's eyes, "B-but… But I am still alive! As long as I am alive, he will live on inside my heart!"

Rin groaned and slapped her forehead in frustration.

"You know what? Why don't we go back to the Church and deal with Kiritsugu and Shirou first?" Rin decided to change the topic for what's left of her insanity. "Surely nothing could have gone wrong there."

…Rin walked through the oaken doors of the Kotomine Church and saw a sight that caused her headache to only worsen.

Kotomine Kirei was standing to the side of the altar, with a bible conveniently stuck to his crotch, as if it was censoring something. He was wiping away a little bit of drool while staring, but not touching the source of Rin's headache.

There—kneeling at the altar—was an Emiya Kiritsugu who looked about just a year or two younger than the current Emiya Shirou. His eyes were dead like how Rin had originally imagined the man's eyes to be many years ago, and he was dressed in an altar boy uniform and he was wiping the floors with a rag.

"Yes, Emiya Kiritsugu," Kirei intoned ominously, "work those hips. Show me more about myself that I have yet to discover!"

"Oh, what the hell," Rin grumbled, "I walked out of hell and straight into another hell. How did this happen?" That furious fire within her heart began to grow once again.

Kotomine Kirei ignored Rin's annoyed comments and continued to speak at the blank-faced boy who was definitely Emiya Kiritsugu, "We were two madmen, but now you have exceeded all my expectations, Emiya Kiritsugu!" Kirei then turned to Rin, "Ah, the Mistress returns with yet another stray. Rejoice, Matou Sakura, for you may never see your adoptive family again!"

Sakura started sniffling.

Rin gnashed her teeth together and rubbed her forehead. She held up a hand and called out, "Wait, explain what happened. How is Kiritsugu a kid?"

"Aah… Mistress R-Rin…" Gilgamesh interrupted, "I-It was my potion. I must have… ah… 'accidentally' left it around…"

Rin growled.

"A-are you going to punish me now, Mistress?" Gilgamesh asked hopefully.

Rin sighed, "…No, no. I shouldn't break you."

"Hmph! You underestimate the endurance of the true King," Gilgamesh boasted before adding, "…Mistress."

Rin frowned at him.

"I-I mean, I w-won't break," Gilgamesh mumbled like a demure, innocent maiden.

"…This is your mistress?" Kiritsugu asked Kotomine of all people. Seeing as the false priest had done nothing but stare at his back for the past thirty minute, Kiritsugu found himself slowly acclimating to Kirei's presence.

"Indeed, Emiya Kiritsugu," Kotomine nodded, "You wouldn't find a better mistress anywhere else."

"Perhaps that is because you killed her," Kiritsugu growled softly under his breath as he watched Gilgamesh grovel at Rin's feet.

Gilgamesh was begging for a beating.

"What was that?" Kirei smiled down at his former rival.

Kiritsugu glared up at the evil, empty man and replied, "I was just saying that she isn't anything special. Her technique isn't that great."

"You were not protesting while he was working on you," Kirei pointed out.

"True," Kiritsugu nodded. "But she is clumsy and hindered by rage. A mind clouded is already lost. It is inefficient to use anger as a means to do such things."

"Indeed? And what other pearls of wisdom do you have to add, Emiya Kiritsugu?" Kirei asked as he jotted down some notes in his Handy Dandy Notebook.

"She has potential," Kiritsugu concluded.

"Then you have chosen to stay with her? You should rejoice and take pride in your decision, young Emiya," Kirei smirked like a pervert from behind Kiritsugu.

Kiritsugu wasn't looking at Kirei. Gilgamesh had just accidentally remarked on the flatness of young Rin's chest. It seems like he tried to imply that it was some kind of a status symbol.

Rin did not take too kindly to that.

Kiritsugu shrugged, "I will admit, her clumsy attempts at inducing pain reminds me of how I first met Irisviel. Shirou, do you want to know how I met your mother? No? Maybe for another time when Ilya is around then."

"That is very high complements from someone like you, Emiya Kiritsugu," Kirei noted.

Gilgamesh was being beaten into a pulp. He had a very, delirious grin and a deep blush on his face.

Kiritsugu shrugged, "I will reserve judgment as she develops her skill. Irisviel was very adept at making me feel every kind of pain. We shall see how Tohsaka Rin develops her skill."

"Indeed," Kirei remarked, "You are a one of a kind masochist, Emiya Kiritsugu."

For some reason, Rin felt like she was violated somehow while she was beating up Gilgamesh. She shivered and looked around for some kind of supernatural enemy. Seeing nothing except for Kirei and Kiritsugu chatting like old friends, she turned her rage back to Gilgamesh twofold.

…In the background, Shirou was huddled in a dark corner of the Church whimpering.


End file.
